The Middle Way

Posted on December 6, 2012 by Derek

It seems as if humans are predisposed to extremist behavior. By extremist behavior, I mean we tend to polarize towards one end of a given spectrum or polarize towards the other. It’s as if some primordial part of our brains are constantly trying to oversimplify things down to only considering two options, making things black and white, right or wrong, this or the opposite, 1s or 0s.  We exercise religiously or we don’t get off the couch. We possess confidence to the point of egotism or we lack confidence to the point of debilitating insecurity. We have ambition to the point of never being satisfied or we lack ambition to the point of inaction and making excuses.

 

The interesting thing is that we are complex enough to actually occupy multiple points on a given spectrum depending on the circumstance. For example, let’s look at the spectrum of self-centeredness. We might be classified as “hopelessly self-absorbed” while at home, but we might also be classified as “giving to a fault” when it comes to interacting with others in a social setting.

It’s generally a bad thing to be out on the extremes of most spectrums. A few examples that come to mind are religious extremists on the religious spectrum, right-or-left-wing extremists on the political spectrum, or even bulemics-anorexics-or-the-obese on the physical spectrum. Sure, looking good is nice, but not if you’re destroying your insides to do so. Conversely, eating tasty food is enjoyable, but not if (in my best southern accent) your son has to wash you with a rag on a stick.

Here are some spectrums I’ve had to assess myself across in the past. I’m listing these in hopes that some might resonate with you as well:

  • Passivity : Aggression
  • Miserableness : Disingenuously Happy
  • Slacking : Perfectionistic
  • Mean : Disingenuously Nice
  • Dishonest : Brutally Honest
  • Apathetic : Obsessive
  • Subservient : Rebellious
  • Distrusting : Naively Trusting
  • Isolating : Overly Dependent
  • Feeling Inferior : Feeling Superior
  • Guilt Ridden : Lacking Conscience
  • Immaturity : Overly Serious
  • Harsh Judgement : Lack of Judgement
  • Bottling Emotions : Overreacting
  • Extreme Self-Doubt : Self-Righteousness

For years, I’ve put consistent effort into staying somewhere between these extremes. It’s a constant process of self-awareness and behavior modification. I often use the visual analogy of being a ball floating through space with these words on either side of me.  Sometimes I float a little too far left, sometimes I float a little too far right, but it’s my job to be conscious of when this happens and try to center myself.

Sometimes I catch myself off-center quickly, and sometimes it takes a few days, weeks, or even months. Sometimes when I catch myself, it’s easy to redirect. Sometimes it’s damn near impossible. But, in the end, all that’s important is to put in the effort. The goal isn’t to be perfect at this. The goal is to improve. With small incremental changes and consistent effort, you’d be amazed at how much improvement can be made.

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Everyone Can’t Be Rockstars

Posted on September 18, 2012 by Derek

I hate to break it to you, but everyone can’t be rockstars, both literally and figuratively.

Vox Efx, “Rockstar-4” February 8, 2008 via Flickr, Creative Commons Attribution.

Literally, everyone can’t make a living by electrifying audiences with their stretchy Steve Tyler pants and moves like Jagger. Sure, most people would like to. Most people would like to be rich, famous, do something that they love, and win the adoration of millions of screaming fans in the process. (I know I would)

On a more practical level, most people would also like to become anything society deems successful, but everyone can’t can be known actors, authors, athletes, doctors, lawyers, CEOs, entrepreneurs, inspirational speakers, and the like.

As a character in the movie Caddyshack once said “the world needs ditch diggers too“.

Figuratively, everyone can’t be the best at what they do. Statistics 101 tells us that for every person that is in the top 1% of any given activity, there exists another 99%-worth of loser-shmucks below them. For every level of success someone attains in their given path, there is likely someone at a higher level. And if by chance they have reached the zenith, the mother-fuckin-peak-of-Mount-Everest in their chosen path, and are literally THE best in whatever they do, it’s only a matter of time until someone knocks them off.

So, if everyone can’t be rockstars, both literally or figuratively, what is there left to do?

GROW UP
I can’t tell you how many times, at a moment of self-doubt, I’ve told my wife things like “I feel like a failure in life“. She usually just laughs, and that quickly brings me back to reality. Listen, I’m blessed with success and happiness beyond what most 30-year-olds are fortunate enough to achieve, but I oftentimes steal my own joy by holding onto CHILDISHLY SHALLOW visions of what my life should have been.

Your career doesn’t need to be your CALLING
If you happen to love your job, then great! I really like selling enterprise software. At times it is extremely challenging, exciting, fun, and rewarding. Then again, at times it is extremely repetitive, frustrating, and stressful. I chose my job because I work to live. I don’t live to work, and that’s OK. My calling is my family, my friends, and making a positive impact on people around me.  Your job or career can just be a job or career, it doesn’t need to be your life’s mission.  Not everyone LOVES what they do, but if you don’t even LIKE what you do, then I’d suggest looking for another job.  With the number of possibilities out there, if you’re miserable, you’re probably settling.

Don’t underestimate COMFORT & SECURITY
No risk, no reward…right? Right, to an extent. You need to constantly continue taking risks, stepping outside your comfort zone in order for your comfort zone to expand. However, that doesn’t mean that taking HUGE risks that will have HUGE consequences (positive or negative) is always a good thing, despite what some inspirational speakers, authors, or bloggers might have you believe. To borrow a metaphor from roulette, stay at the table. Keep placing bets, but spread out those chips. If you place all your chips on a single number, sure you can strike it rich, but more than likely, you’re going to be walking to an ATM in T-minus-thirty-seconds.

John Wardell “Roulette table” December 31, 2005 via Flickr, Creative Commons Attribution.

APPRECIATE your imperfection
You are not perfect. You are not going to do everything well. You are going to make lots of mistakes. You are going to do things you regret. You are going to feel ways you wish you didn’t feel and intellectually understand that you shouldn’t feel. Sometimes you will not be able to change those feelings despite knowing better. If you pay attention, you will come face-to-face with your defects on a daily basis for the rest of your life. It’s OK. As a human being, that’s part of the package. Appreciate your imperfection because it means you’re alive.

STOP COMPARING
Because you are imperfect, you are never going to be the best at EVERYTHING. Hell, the tough pill to swallow is that, if there was some invisible omniscience judge floating around out there keeping a tally of our ranks based on certain qualities, it’s highly unlikely that you’d ever be the best at ANYTHING. And to all the Michael Phelps(s) out there reading this, ok, you might be the best. (cough-freak!-cough)

There is one exception though, you’ll always be the best you. So, instead of focusing on what you have or how you stack up against those around you, just appreciate the fact that you are here, and have the chance to aspire to be the best version of yourself that you can be.

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Self-Actualization Lingo

Posted on September 9, 2012 by Derek

A few weeks ago I wrote a post called Self-Awareness Lingo which, in short, advocated building one’s vocabulary in the somewhat esoteric domain of self-awareness. A cornerstone of the piece is that the better one’s vocabulary, the more specific they can be about identifying the root of their thoughts and feelings.

Just like weeds in a garden…find the root and pull.  Right?

Unfortunately, it’s not that simple. The roots of mental weeds seem to be buried deep in our fabric. They can’t be pulled. They can’t be removed completely. But they can be starved. They can be weakened enough to let the flowers grow tall around them.

Ruth Feria, “Weed Flower” June 1, 2011 via Flickr, Creative Commons Attribution.

So, continuing with this somewhat panzy-assed metaphor, how does one starve their mental weeds? By not feeding them.

See, we feed our defects all the time, with our thinking and actions. It’s a vicious cycle that compounds upon itself. Once the cycle starts, one defect feeds the next.

Let’s take an example of this cycle in action:

Something unpleasant happens.
We avoid our feelings by getting angry.
Defect fed.
We misdirect that anger at someone who was not involved.
Defect fed.
We antagonize that person.
Defect fed.
We justify why it’s right for us to antagonize that person.
Defect fed.
We overreact.
Defect fed.
We become insulting.
Defect fed.
Through the course of the argument, we feel betrayed.
Defect fed.
We become vindictive, bent on revenge.
Defect fed.
We become apathetic about resolving the issue.
Defect fed.
We walk away resentful.
Defect fed.

So, how would this example look if we didn’t feed our defects?

Something unpleasant happens.
We demonstrate fortitude by not reacting in haste.
Instead, we sit with our unpleasant feelings until they pass.
We then respond appropriately.
The end.

We need to deny our defects the fuel of our thoughts and actions, and the only way we can do that is by pumping that fuel into their opposites. And just like we want to be SPECIFIC when identifying our mental weeds, we want to be AS SPECIFIC when identifying their opposites.

Thus, in future posts I’ll likely use the word “principles”, which just as easily could be stated as “personal ethics”, “imperatives”, “standards”, etc. They are the foundation for building a life which is not dictated by our personal defects. Below is a list of common principles that I’ve put together. This list is not meant to be all-inclusive, but it’s a good starting point.

  • Acceptance
  • Assertiveness
  • Awareness
  • Caution
  • Charity
  • Commitment
  • Compassion
  • Courage
  • Discipline
  • Empathy
  • Faith
  • Forgiveness
  • Fortitude
  • Freedom
  • Goodwill
  • Gratitude
  • Honesty
  • Hope
  • Humility
  • Humor
  • Integrity
  • Justice
  • Love
  • Open-Mindedness
  • Patience
  • Perseverance
  • Selflessness
  • Trust
  • Willingness
  • Wisdom

A solid foundation is required for any structure that’s going to stand the test of time. Ever wonder why the tallest skyscrapers in New York City are where they are? Well, neither did I! But the answer (you didn’t care to know) is BEDROCK. Geologists discovered that there was buttloads of shallow bedrock underneath certain parts of Manhattan’s business district, and thus civil engineers planned the construction of the hundred-story Tower-of-Babels we know today. No bedrock, no towers.

So, what’s your sense of well-being built on? Learn the language of self-awareness, incorporate these principles into the bedrock from which you operate, and as a result, you will find yourself fortified from the constant flittering of your mind.

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Lowering the Bar

Posted on August 30, 2012 by Derek

“Aim for the moon. If you miss, you may hit a star.”
~ Clement Stone, rich guy (1902-2002)

I have always been a goal-oriented self-motivator, and use to love these types of “aim high” quotes. After all, it seems only logical that if you strive to achieve lofty goals, you will end up in a good position, even if you fail to achieve them.

Aiming high led me to excel in sports where, beginning at the age of 13, I would swim upwards of 12 miles per day. Aiming high led me to excel in academics where, after swimming practice, I would come home to crack the books for several hours each night.

And truth be told, all that hard work paid off. At 13, I became the second fastest 200-meter breaststroker in the country for my age group. By 16, I had won multiple state titles in Pennsylvania high school swimming. I graduated high school with a 4.4 GPA, 1420 SATs, and got accepted into the most exclusive undergraduate business program in the country. (insert self-back-patting motion here)

So, why the hell would I be writing a post entitled “Lowering the Bar”?

Simply, because there are a few problems with setting lofty long-term goals:

1. Inertia – The moon feels a million miles away, and that can be an easy excuse not to start. Sure, you can aim for the moon, but unless you pull the trigger – good aim is meaningless. So yes, we immortalize this quote by Clement Stone who took $100 and turned it into a multi-billion dollar insurance empire, but nobody talks about the quotes uttered by the hordes of people who heard his quote and wanted to follow suit only to quit before they started. Quotes like:

“Make a million dollars, how the hell will I do THAT?!”
~ Nate Daniels, chronic freeloader

“Lose 15 lbs, that’s going to take a shit-ton of work!”
~ Julie Chambers, fat lady

“Become the next Jimmy Hendrix? I can’t even press the strings without hurting my fingers!”
~ Bluto Jones, guitar smasher

People often TALK about shooting for the moon, but rarely take the shot.

2. False Advertising – How good does it REALLY feel to hit the moon? In fact, how good does it REALLY feel to experience most things that we fantasize about? I can tell you from experience that the payoff is fleeting. The high that comes from a state title in athletics wears off over the course of a weekend. The buzz from getting a promotion at work only lasts for a few days. Heck, even the pleasure that comes from eating a piece of cake drops off around the fifth bite.

The fact is that we spend large chunks of our lives salivating over mirages of future bliss. When we finally get close to them, they disappear in front of our eyes, and we’re left with an unquenched thirst and sand in our crack. Then soon after, the next mirage appears and we’re back off to the races.

3. Hefty Price – There is a cost-benefit trade off to everything in life, and these fleeting glimpses of euphoria that result from achieving difficult long-term goals come at long-term costs. Anytime you fully commit your heart-and-soul to something far-off in the future, and once you are unwilling to waver from the pursuit of it – you become rigid. When you become rigid, you’re canceling out a thousand other potential (better) outcomes for your life, all in pursuit of some fleeting payoff down the road.

Yes, as a society we celebrate results. Magazine articles are written about famous people, rich people, famous inventors, and other men who leave their mark for generations to come. But at the end of the road, when you’re breathing your last breathe, are you really going to regret not making that million dollars or inventing that robotic heart? Or, are you more likely to wish that you had paid a little more attention to your children while they were young or took more time to enjoy each day?

We can avoid these three problems associated with lofty long-term goals by:

1. Being Nearsighted - Some call it “chunking”. Some call it “just for today”. Some call it “being incremental”. I say, become nearsighted. Don’t set out to run a marathon by 2015, just set out to get your ass off the couch and have your running shoes on in the next 10 minutes. Don’t plan to have your doctorate by 2020, just go buy a G.E.D. book this afternoon and read a chapter before you go to sleep tonight. Don’t plan on making a million dollars by the time you’re 40, just plan on doing the best you can possibly do at your job when you drive to work today.

2. Being Flexible – If new information arises, if conflicting opportunities present themselves, if your gut is telling you that your passions have shifted, do not be afraid to change course. More importantly, don’t beat yourself up about your decision to do so. Take breaks. Enjoy the moment. Slack off sometimes.

3. Celebrating Mediocrity – If you fail at one of your short-term goals, make sure to focus on the lessons you learned – perhaps you try again and perhaps you don’t. But realize that your worth as a person is not dictated by your achievement or lack of achievement of these specific goals. You are OK as you are right now. The sooner you grasp that fact, the sooner you can stop obsessing over potential future realities, and enjoy the present reality you’re sitting in.

It’s important to note that there’s a delicate balance between self-acceptance and self-improvement. Taken to an extreme, the concept of self-acceptance might be used to justify unhealthy complacency. Taken to the other extreme, the concept of self-improvement might be used to justify unhealthy perfectionism. Stay somewhere in the middle of these two extremes.

4. Setting the Right Goals – Of course everything that I’ve said here is based on the premise that most people have shitty goals. Society has programmed us to pursue goals like: how much money we should make, what type of house we should live in, what type of car we should drive, what type of job we should have, how our bodies should look, and what type of notoriety or accolades we should receive from our peers.

Our society is perpetually stuck in the 7th grade folks. I need to be periodically reminded of this fact because I too drank the Cool-Aid somewhere along the way.

Some people reading this might say something like “Derek, I already know all this. My goals are things like: providing security for my family, pursuing financial freedom, building-up those around me, savoring each moment, and making the world a better place.”

If you are one of those people, this post doesn’t apply to you. Keep up the good work, pursue those goals FIERCELY, and please share your wisdom with those around you.

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Daily Disconnect

Posted on August 27, 2012 by Derek

With high speed internet, 200+ channels of high definition programming, Facebook, Twitter, text messaging and over 500,000 iPhone apps, Life 2.0 has created a troubling dichotomy. Technology and information glut are both a blessing and a curse.

The blessing is that we are a fingertip away from more information and more people than we ever would have dreamed a few short decades ago. Who would have ever thought you could find a crowdsourced definition for the term “Brozilian“, seconds after smiling and nodding like you knew what that male flight attendant was talking about? Who would have ever guessed you would be reunited with David Wilt, the meathead who always used to flick the back of your ears in 6th grade geography class?

The curse is that we run the risk of neglecting the here-and-now by wasting our time on distractions and superficial interactions, eloquently stated by my friend Pat a few weeks ago on Facebook…

We’ve even developed a new type of anxiety-driven condition called phantom ringing, a sensation that your phone is vibrating in your pocket when it really isn’t. I’ve experienced phantom ringing, and it is SPOOKY AS HELL. It’s some deep-and-ominous shit to think that we have become so over-connected that even our subconscious mind is terrified at the thought of missing out on someone “liking” that photo of the burrito we ate yesterday.

So, how can you loosen the death grip that technology has on you? You can begin by setting aside time each day to simply be present in the moment with yourself or with someone around you. It can be one minute or it can be one hour, but be sure to give the present moment your undivided attention for that period of time. Yes, that means turning off the TV, foregoing the 5 shows that you DVR’ed, delaying that Netflix rental until tomorrow, and turning off your cellphone.

Moving past the urgent need to pursue your next escape enables you to grow as a person. It can help you relax a bit, let your thinking slow down, force you to let feelings of discomfort rise-and-fade, and maybe even do something constructive like prioritize your day, do a mental scorecard of your personal progress, or do something charitable without expectation of reward.

On an interpersonal level, “unplugged” time will allow you grow as a friend, family member, or significant other because it will put you in position to have the types of conversations that may never have transpired otherwise.

So, power down. Why not try it now? You can power back up at anytime if you change your mind.

Go spend some quality time, staying in the moment.

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A Matter of Perspective

Posted on August 22, 2012 by Derek

My guy friends and I used to make a habit of going hiking in the mountains once a summer. We would usually go to the Adirondacks in upstate New York. No cellphones work there. There are no calls to make, no emails to check, no statuses to update, and no angry birds to fling.

There is only you and the sound of your shoes on the trail. It truly changes your perspective for the time you’re out there, at least it always seemed to for us.

I can vividly remember one particular conversation that we had while resting near a stream. The gist of the conversation was that when you go out to remote places in nature like where we were sitting, and you lose all visual indication of what year (or even century) it is, you realize that the exact surroundings you are sitting in were here hundreds of years before us and will be here long after we’re gone. It makes you realize what a tiny blip our lifetime is in the grand scheme of things.

Beaches oftentimes have the same effect. The size of the ocean and the billions of individual grains of sand can serve as reminders of both the brevity of our lives and how miniscule we are in the near-infinitude of the universe. (until some European in a banana hammock starts greasing up right in front of you – jarring you back to reality)

And if a day at the beach has you waxing philosophic about your impermanence, don’t get me started on the beach at night. Ocean, sand, and THE NIGHTTIME SKY?! That’s a metaphor three-way right there. Buddy, you ain’t ready for that. Somebody’s gonna get hurt.

But seriously, this type of abstract thinking has helped me immensely. Sure, if you have a fear of death (like most people do), yes this will imply that you will die relatively soon and be largely forgotten by the sweeping expanse of the universe. But the question is, what do you want to do with that limited time and influence you have while you’re here?

That question puts life into perspective: what is important, what is unimportant, what is worth worrying about, and what isn’t. Just TRY to stress out about those ten pounds you want to lose after contemplating that shit!

For me, the ultimate answer to those questions is always the same. The only things that are truly important are family, friends, enjoying my time here, and making my teeny-tiny corner of the universe a bit better for me having been in it.

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The “Real” Secret

Posted on August 21, 2012 by Derek

A few years ago I had a number of people ask me whether I had watched the movie The Secret. They all had the same type of tone when asking, you know, the type that indicates they loooved it and were either:

  1. hoping that I’d seen it so we could dish about it together!, or
  2. ready to tell me all about why it was a thought provoking eye-opener that would change my whole outlook on life.

I wanted to see what all the buzz was about, so I watched it. Afterwards, a few more people asked if I had seen it (with the same exact sense of happy anticipation in their voices). Each time I repeated three simple words in my best deadpan. “It blew. Hard.”

In fact, it blew SO hard that it helped further solidify my beliefs, which are in direct opposition to the assertions repeated ad nauseum in the 90 minute documentary. Basically, the premise of the entire movie is that if you believe you will get things, you will get them. They prove this by interviewing two dozen or-so people, and one by one they say things like “I just believed I was going to be rich, and by-golly now I AM!”

(insert finger-in-throat motion here)

Now don’t get me wrong, I think that there is a rational explanation for why this might happen (beyond just random chance which is also a distinct possibility), but The Secret missed the mark and basically took a dump on the heads of all closet-pessimists out there in the process. Here’s how:

They implied a direct connection between peoples’ positive outlooks (“I know I will achieve it”) and their end results (“Yippee, I did, I did achieve it!”).

Outlook :) —-> Results :)

But the reality is that outlook isn’t directly connected to results, effort and skill are. Effort being the amount of time and energy they devote to achieving results, and skill being how proficient they are in that form of effort. If people focus on achieving a goal, they will typically devote more time and energy to it, develop more skill in the tasks at hand, thereby increasing the odds of achieving the goal. This isn’t rocket science.

Outlook :) —-> Effort * Skill —-> Results :)

Sure there are a few other factors in the middle alongside effort and skill, things like timing, and a billion-or-so other situation-dependent factors outside of one’s control. But for the sake of simplicity, let’s stick with these two things we can control.

I’m sure that statistics would support that those who have a more positive outlook generally have a higher probability of putting in more effort and developing more skill, and thus a greater chance of achieving the desired results. But here’s The “Real” Secret: fuck statistics. If you put in the effort to achieve whatever you want to achieve, you will be just as likely to achieve it as the smiling optimistic S.O.B. who’s doing the same thing.

Outlook :( —-> Effort * Skill —-> Results :)

My point is not to say optimism is a bad thing, or that you shouldn’t try to look on the bright side of things. You should. At least, I know I do.

But for those of you that do not just innately gush optimism from some Gaia-forged wellspring of positivity in your soul, who cares? You don’t need to snap your fingers and “become positive” all of a sudden in order to get started on the path to achieving your goals, whether they be eliminating cheesecake-fueled night snacks or becoming a Supreme Court justice. Take the first small step towards them anyways. Do it now. It’s all about effort. Put in the effort, and your outlook will often follow.

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Self-Awareness Lingo

Posted on August 19, 2012 by Derek

So how do we practice self-awareness? Well, the first step is to build a vocabulary that can help us identify the driving forces behind what we are thinking and feeling.

When I watch the Food Network, I’m often dumbfounded at the extensive culinary jargon that the critics use to describe the way the dishes taste, look, and feel. I’ve never heard many of the terms before, and thus have no clue what they mean. My repertoire of food descriptors when dining out with my wife usually consists of “good”, “bad”, and “needs salt”. This, my friends, is why I am no food critic. On a side note, what the hell is MINERAL FLAVOR anyway?!

You need to be able to speak a robust language about a particular topic if you want to be SPECIFIC. And we want to be specific about what is driving our thoughts and feelings, because with knowledge comes power.

Thus, in future posts I’ll likely use the word “defects”, which just as easily could be stated as “flaws” (hence the title of this blog), “issues”, “liabilities”, etc. These are the driving forces behind our negative thoughts and feelings. Below is a list of common human defects that I’ve put together. This list is not meant to be all-inclusive, nor am I suggesting that all of these necessarily apply to you. But in full disclosure, all of these defects DO apply to me.

  • Anger
  • Antagonizing
  • Apathy
  • Approval Seeking
  • Avoiding Feelings
  • Betraying Trust
  • Blaming Others
  • Character Assassination
  • Co-Dependency
  • Comparing
  • Deception/Self-Deception
  • Defensiveness
  • Desperation
  • Dishonesty
  • Distrust
  • Egotism
  • Embarrassment
  • Envy
  • Expectation
  • Fantasy
  • Fear
  • Feeling Betrayed
  • Feeling Disposable
  • Feeling Persecuted
  • Guilt/Shame
  • Illusion
  • Immaturity
  • Inadequacy
  • Indifference
  • Inferiority
  • Insecurity
  • Insignificance
  • Insulting
  • Isolation
  • Jealousy
  • Judgement
  • Justification
  • Low Self-Esteem
  • Misdirected Anger
  • Obsession
  • Overreacting
  • Paranoia
  • People Pleasing
  • Playing Victim
  • Pride
  • Projecting Defects onto Others
  • Pursuing Unhealthy Relationships
  • Rebellion
  • Remorse
  • Resentment
  • Self-Pity
  • Self-Centeredness
  • Self-Loathing
  • Self-Righteousness
  • Separation
  • Spitefulness
  • Unrealistic Self-Image
  • Vindictiveness

Sure, I could probably roll most of these up under “self-centeredness” and “fear” but that would be like me saying that my thinking is “bad” and “needs salt”.

Specificity is a good thing if you want to build mastery of the subject, and I can’t think of many subjects more important than the never-ending dialogue within my own head.

The thing to know is that these defects are buried in our fabric. They aren’t going anywhere. Sure we can get better with some for a time, but they are bound to rear their ugly heads in one-way-or-another later on down the road. More importantly, IT’S OK THAT THEY WILL SHOW UP DOWN THE ROAD – it’s all part of being human.

Rest assured that there is a light at the end of this tunnel, because self-awareness is the first step towards greater self-acceptance. Once we are aware of our destructive patterns, we need to learn the language of self-actualization and incorporate it into the foundation from which we operate.

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Lights-Camera-Awareness!

Posted on August 19, 2012 by Derek

Monkeys think. Elephants think. Cats think. The main difference between us and the rest of the animal kingdom is our consciousness, our awareness of things within ourselves.  Put another way, animals think but humans THINK ABOUT OUR THINKING.

Being able to think about our thinking and reflect on our feelings suggests we are in fact separate from those things.

Simply put, I am not my thoughts.  I am not my feelings.  I am perhaps best described as an active observer of these things, like a director who is watching the melodrama of my own mind play out before me like actors on a movie set.  I am very much in control of the way the scenes unfold, but I am not the actors engaged in the dialogue. This concept is what Buddhists refer to as detachment.

Detachment is a powerful tool because we humans tend to think negatively and feel shitty at times.

When I can simply observe these thoughts and feelings, and realize that I am more than them – that I am separate from them – then, as the film director, I can choose whether to keep them or to call in their understudies.

This is the point of self-awareness, to have knowledge of our own tendencies so that we can change course as necessary – to avoid the suffering that comes as a result of our negative thoughts and feelings.  Self-awareness is one of our greatest strengths as a species, but we’re largely squandering it as a society.  Instead, we should aim to hone our skills of self-awareness, and mastery of any skill only comes through practice.

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Curriculum Vitae

Posted on August 17, 2012 by Derek

For my inaugural post, I want to tell you a little bit about myself, because if I were the one to have stumbled across this site, my first thought would go something like “who is this bum and what are his qualifications to be handing out perspective and life advice?”

So let’s break that question down into it’s main parts:

“who is this bum”

My name is Derek. I’m 30 years old, an agnostic, married with one child and another on the way. I live near Philadelphia, am in software sales, and went to the Wharton School @ UPenn. Most importantly, I am a complete nerd regarding all things technology, productivity, personal improvement, and zen.

I have improved nearly every aspect of my life over the past 8 years, in spite of a tendency towards pessimism.  By that I mean I’ve improved my physical health, mental health, spiritual health, financial health, and relationships – in enough ways that makes it impossible to capture in a single post.  I would love to, in some small way, help fellow closet-pessimists do the same.

I will use profinity. Be ready for that shit.

I have a strange sense of humor. Expect it, OR ELSE…

“what are his qualifications…”

Let’s head this off at the pass; I HAVE NO QUALIFICATIONS (except my own experience). I am not an “authority” on any subject I will be discussing. I am not a doctor, though I may touch on the physiological underpinnings of the way the mind works. I am not a religion expert, although I may reference one or several religious groups’ views on a particular topic. I am not a psychologist, although I may cite the words of people in the psychology community. I am not a physicist though I may draw analogies between aspects of physics and personal change.

I am just a normal person like anyone else, but I believe that all humans are fundamentally the same at the core (aside from scary demented ones that have serious psychological issues – read “Ed Gein who will kill you then wear your face”). We all have the same assets and defects, but they manifest themselves in different ways and to varying degrees.

So, know thyself and know all of mankind. Or not.

“to be handing out perspective”

At times, I may make general statements in a way that sounds like I’m purporting them to be a set of objective truths or the ideal perspective to have. They are not. These are just my interpretations – my perspectives. Often I have atleast 3 of them that conflict on any given topic, so I won’t be offended if you disagree. Part of me probably does too.

“and life advice”

I want to be clear about this: I’m not one for giving objective life advice to an unknown group of strangers. I have no idea what your past life experiences have been like. I have no idea what it is like to be you. I do not claim to have a lock on the universal keys to happiness.

Anytime you read a post where I am giving tips, I may use the imperative tense (for example: “try this” or “do that”), realize that I am envisioning writing those tips to my past self. They are tips that I myself would like to hear if I hadn’t heard them before or if I was looking for a little reminder.  Also, realize that I am in no way claiming to have any level of mastery with most of the tips that I will recommend. I’m a work-in-progress just like you, and just like every other person on the planet – despite what some people might lead you to believe.

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So, if you’ve made it through the Foreword above and are still on-board, you can feel free to suggest a topic by emailing me at derek(at)flawd.net , or just stay tuned.

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